How to Rewire Your Mind for Extraordinary Love & Your Next-Level Life

Wow. What an inspiring conversation with Rhianna Malia, who is a private sought after authority for high achieving women who have done all the work, built the life that everyone admires, and quietly carry the truth that love is the one place it never came together. She's a category of one where therapy and insights stop. Her work begins. A neuroscience based approach that rewires the subconscious mind deciding who a woman finds compelling so the steady real love she always wanted stops feeling foreign and starts feeling inevitable. A board certified integrative neurosomatic practitioner, she's the creator of the Clear to Create method and the Extraordinary Love Index, the author of the last piece, and a guest on more than 100 podcasts. Here's Rhianna. Welcome to the Power Up Your Life podcast brought to you by GoBundance Women. I'm Kelly Resendez.

And I'm Mandy McAllister.

And we have just somebody that I absolutely Your, Rihanna here with us today. How are you? I'm so good. I'm so happy to be here with you guys. That is awesome. Well, tell our audience and listeners just a little bit about your journey and what you do.

Yeah. Thank you. So I think for all of us, our journey is for most of us that the work that we're called to do in this world came out of something that was an experience that we never actually planned. Right. So my journey to the work that I do on the surface, I am a board certified integrative neuro somatic practitioner, which is a whole lot of words to say what I really do is I'm an identity architect for high achieving women who've built an incredible life except for the thing that they want most, which is extraordinary love that matches it. And, I built this work for me first, on the other side of it, I am married to the love of my life and getting to blend neuroscience with identity architecture, to work at that level of wiring where knowledge and insight don't go right. There's nothing more for you to learn. Nothing more for you to unpack nothing more for you to go back into. And I created this work after events in my life that frankly were moments where I thought I'm not really sure how I'm going to get to the other side of this. So I got married really young, 23. Don't do that if you're listening to me Mandy you're still 23. My baby girl is 22 and I no way. I was certain at that point, like I needed, you know, this was it. I was nobody was gonna allow me. So I had evidence, you know, a father that wasn't there, a a first love that was, you know, broke my heart. And so I didn't want to be. Old cat lady by myself, you know, at this tender old age of 23 had already decided that there was something wrong with me. I got married. It was very lonely, but we had our miracle baby. We got divorced Women she was six, it felt really calm. It turned really volatile and crazy and awful. And I did what we all do. Right. We, I talked about it in therapy. I talked about it with my girlfriends. I read the books. I did the journaling, all of that's beneficial and necessary until it becomes the thing that keeps you there forever. Three years later, fast forward. We're living in Minnesota. We're living in a tiny little town called Austin. It's on the St. Croix River that separates Minnesota from Wisconsin. And we had chickens and horses and lived in this little 150 year old cottage, and we had a pond that every summer and on Sunday, I would die blue. So it was like the ocean for Maddie because we are island girls. We do not belong in the tundra. And it had been so cold, like 40 below zero Up days that the metal snapped off the pumps in order to water the horses. I had to run a hose through the window, into the washing machine. And I was over it. My father came to visit and said, Hey, I think it'd be a perfect time for you guys to move to California. You know, get out of the cold, come take over this family business. You can it's yours. You can use your brilliance. Plus your creativity. Maddie gets to grow up in this little town, in California, spend her wife at the beach. And I said, you know, three things to him. I said, number one, I'm not moving across the country for your next big thing, but it happens. That's not real. Number two, I'm only going to interrupt and disrupt Maddie's Life. Once I moved around a lot as a child and it was very difficult to ever just get to feel like you could just be a little girl. I'm not leaving the horses and I'm not leaving my mom because, you know, she had just had a surgery on her neck and they nicked a nerve in her arm and she did nails for a living. And now not only was she having a medical recovery, she had no ability to generate income. He said, here's the financials. Bring your mom, bring the horses. We'll build a barn. Everything inside of me was screaming. You can't know, this is insane. Don't do this. You can't trust this, but we are wired to want what we want. And it just sounded incredible. So I moved my mom, daughter, two horses and three cats across the country. The first few months were a fairy tale. I have to say family dinners, my parents' friends would get like hanging out horses. It was, it was amazing. And then one morning, five months almost to the day I was in the back of the studio and I heard some noise and I looked around the corner Mandy there was people coming in the door and it took me a moment to Life reconcile with the fact that they were all holding guns that were pointed at me. And they put me in handcuffs and sat me on a chair. And this is how I found out that I was now in the center of a massive federal DEA investigation. So in this moment, I mean, not in that exact moment, but in the aftermath of that insanity, I had a decision to make. So now I have no money, no assets, no business, no income. I mean, even my little, like $15.80 dollars that was in the savings. I mean, it's all frozen, right? This relationship with my father blown to pieces. And do I take us back to Minnesota, into our world, into our chosen family? We'd only been gone like five, six months. Maddie could just float right back in. Or do I keep my promise to her and break generations of lack of integrity at the end of the day? That was the most important thing. So we stayed $400,000 in debt later. And again, this massive betrayal Mandy rage and sadness and who does that Mandy back in therapy and writing the letters that I never sent, because you don't respond to a narcissist. And around this Life, I thought, oh, this would be a good time to start dating for the first time. And I had even more evidence that I'm not really clearly. I'm not that important, special loved lovable worthy, even though I'm like, I there's that part of you that knows I'm an I'm such a loving, incredible human. I don't get this, but clearly there's something inherent to broken. So I got myself into a very abusive relationship and took me a couple of years to get out of it. And for me in that moment, that was it. That was the line in the Mandy, like the years of being told that you're too much and not enough in the same breath and always make sure that, you know, you're not really that special and cruelty wrapped in humor. And I was like, you know what? I'm never going to do that again. I'm never going to become this small, tiny version of me and beg for crumbs and beg to be loved. And I'm like, I'll just, you know, I'll do my thing. I'll be Maddie's mama. I'll do my work, whatever. And then I found something that then became really the basis of my life's work. And in a matter of weeks, there was parts of me that I didn't recognize in all the best way. And it Kelly. The answer that I was, the question that I was seeking an answer for is there's gotta be a better way to heal rather than to stay in the story, which becomes our identity. Right. Mandy, and everything that we experienced in this life is held at a cellular level. So every time we were back in the story and you're retelling it and you're telling it, and you're telling it Your body's re experiencing Life it's happening Mandy your neurology is like, okay, got it. That's where we're focused. And it's why people keep marrying the same person over and over. It's why people keep dating the same person. It's why people end up in the same financial situation and health and business. It's all connected to that piece. And so if we're going to blow it out and get rid of the stuff that doesn't serve us, we have to replace it with new neurology strategy behavior, because otherwise you see people that have done all the work, right? I've done all the work. I've been in therapy for years. I've done my inner child shadow attachment style, and then something happens and boom, they go right back to to who they were ten years ago because the unconscious mind can't fill in the blank. So if you don't replace the neurology and the strategy Yeah. The focus and the behavior, it goes back to what it knows, which is the old dysfunction stuff that's keeping you from the life and love that's meant for you. So that brings us here. I love

Life, I literally just listening to this story. Wow. That's absolutely incredible. I I can't not ask. Like, so it sounds like your dad, the business that you came into was not legal.

Yeah. I mean, the business was phenomenal. It was the most gorgeous bespoke candle company you could ever imagine, but what was being shipped inside certain candles, unbeknownst to me was the problem. Holy moly.

Okay. This should be a this should be a a Netflix documentary right here. A Hallmark movie. Yeah. Yeah. My god. I can't

I can't tell you how many times people have said, have you pitched your life to Netflix?

Yeah. That's awesome. Well, tell me a little bit. So being a single mom myself Yeah. And, Mandy was also a single mom for a long Life. You know, you hear a lot of women talk about how how challenging it is. Right? And they're looking at the external world where you really help them with the internal world. Right? Like, what are a couple things that women miss about this this unconscious mind that is is gonna speak directly to that woman that's out there that's single Mandy and she's telling herself the story that there's not enough amazing men out there.

Absolutely. So I talk a lot about values in my work Mandy there's two things that I'd like to speak to that are really important. One is around clarity and one is around why those things continue to happen. So let me answer the question first, single mom, you are sitting there and you have, you've been on the apps. You're exhausted by the fricking apps. You've, you know, you're never going to go out with anyone else that your friends introduced you to because, you know, just it's the whole pressure and the whole conversation Mandy then them checking back in and you are feeling so fatigued and so hopeless by the whole day. Now, every time I want you to just think about for a minute, like what Kelly just said, there's no where I Life, my zip code, my area code, my city, my town, my country. There's just no good men left. They're all taken Your they're all the same. Right. They, they appear to be, you know, have their shit together and be loving and kind, and they're really just like a mess and, you know, narcissistic and just want someone to take care of them. Mandy, you know, I've tried it all Mandy I don't know, it just doesn't, it's just not going to happen Your me Every time you think, speak, even just say it to your girlfriend, you're giving instructions because here's the thing. Your unconscious mind will never make you a liar. So when you say, there's no good men that live here, the reticular activating system in your brain and the part of your brain that knows what you're focusing on and what to call in, you just gave it a very specific instruction. So Women we are in that in that space of what we don't want and the declaration. Right. And because and this is critically important because, you know, we think 65 to 85,000 thoughts a day Mandy 90% of those thoughts are recycled. Right. Those same thoughts, They're no good then. And most of them are negative. And I get a lot of pushback on that because my clients are brilliant, incredible Women. And then they've done all the fricking work. And they're like, I am so clear on my mindset. I am crystal clear. I know exactly what I would never tolerate again and what I would never put up with. And I don't, Mandy I won't ever put myself in a position again, that I am in a relationship that I'm not valued and cherished and adored. And the problem is the way the mind works is most of our thoughts are focused on what we don't want, which is why that's all I continue to get. Okay? I'm gonna I can walk you through something that I do with my private clients that can actually rewire that part of your brain in seventy two Power, if you want me to.

Yeah.

Okay. So, in my world, for me Mandy my business, my values are love impact, generosity, the belief in what's possible and being a magnet for miracles. And that's my favorite thing to teach and to bring into other people's worlds Mandy what we were just talking about all of that. Here's how you can actually, if you want to play with me at a thousand percent, here's how you can actually rewire that and have your physical reality Mandy what's showing up change in seventy two hours. And that's like, we know neuroscience that we can actually do this in seventy. What you need Kelly technical, you need two pieces of paper and a rubber band. K? But can't be like ours our scrunchie ones that we sleep in. It's gotta be a a work business office one that stings when you snap it because the brain needs a pattern interrupt. K? So we're going to imagine for a second on those two pieces of paper on the top of one, you're going to write the word toward Mandy on the top of the other, you're going to write the word away. And you're going to imagine being in a room with four walls, right? Life to the right in front of you behind you. One of those walls is your away wall. And on that wall is everything you don't want again, more of in life, love relationship, all of it. Never again, never, never, ever all the things you don't want. And then on the other wall is your toward wall. And that's where everything you want goes. Hopes wishes, dreams, fairy dust, magic wand, no filters, no limitations. Well, I'm already this age, so that can't happen. Everything Your want. You're going to take photos of those two lists, and you're going to pin them in your notes app or put them in a little album where you can easily access them. If you're super visual. I have a lot of clients who will actually take the lists and put them in on whatever wall for them in their office or bedroom or closet. Is there a away wall and toward wall? So, Kelly, for you, if you had to close your eyes and and pick a wall in the room, where would your away wall be? Okay. And where would your toward wall be? In front of me. Okay. What about you, Mandy?

Sounds perfect. Right? Because that's where I'm going Mandy that's where I came from. Never again. Right? So Your interesting. Okay. Love that.

And it's different for everybody. So that's why I asked both if so, Life, my away wall is over here and my toward wall is over there, but also when I've done my timeline work, that's my past and that's my present. So that would make sense. I mean, my future. Okay. So you're going to make these lists Mandy if it takes 10 pieces of Power, amazing. And when you're ready to start, right, start, you can make your lists. And then if it's the middle of the day start tomorrow, but I Your going to put that rubber band on and you're not taking it off for seventy two hours. And what we're gonna do is we are going to snap the rubber band every time that you catch yourself thinking about thing, you know, lack, scarcity, fear, doubt. There's nothing good. It never happens for me. I never find a parking space. There's no good Women. And then you're gonna replace it with a better feeling thought. Right? Because we don't get who we are. We we don't get what we want. We get who we are and that's frequency Mandy our thoughts mixed with our physiology and all of our filters and all of our limiting beliefs and all of the voices in our head. And that creates our state, which is what creates our thoughts, emotions, beliefs, and our life. So the fastest way to change that physical reality is to rewire the neural pathways in the brain on what you're focused on. So let's say you are feeling something Your going to snap it Mandy you're going to go, what was I thinking about last? Promise you it's something on that away wall list Mandy you're going to replace it. And you can do that in a multitude of ways. You can either literally just flip it to the opposite of what you were thinking about as it is. Right. Because the brain doesn't know the difference between something that's experienced with all the senses. What do you hear? Taste, touch, smell, feel, and something that really happens. And that becomes a memory instead of just a wish. Your can look at anything on that Your wall list and do the same thing. Just pick something. It doesn't have to be related to the native thought at all. You can take a second and just be genuinely grateful for something, but not in the Pollyanna way of like, I'm so grateful for my life. Like literally I'm so grateful to have fifteen minutes by myself at this Up moment. Right. And then if you're still kind of in the yuck, I want you to ask yourself who can I serve in this moment? And it does not have to be a big grandiose thing. It can be a text to a girlfriend. It can be a prayer. It can be a, your neighbor's garbage can fell over and you get out of your car and go pick it Up. Get out of your head in service of someone. Yeah. Now the first day, you guys are not gonna be snapping that rubber band hardly at all because this you've this is how you've lived for decades. It you it doesn't you're Your just you don't even notice it. But once you start and you start catching yourself second day, you're going to be snapping a lot Your Mandy you were like, oh, okay, interesting. And I want you to keep track in a very easy way. Voice note yourself. I don't care what of what are the things when you snap that rubber band that you're thinking of day one, you might go all damn day and you, you might not catch yourself ever, but you might have feeling a little bit anxious or that kind of a pit in your stomach or just irritated or anxious. And then I want you to snap it and go, okay. What was I thinking about that? I can recall last now by day three, you should be snapping this baby every five minutes. Right. And this is not you guys to say, you're not going to have these thoughts and feelings and emotions. We're not giving you a lobotomy. The point is, is to pull you out of it as fast as you can, because it only takes seventeen seconds for the brain to create new neural pathways Your Your promote the old ones when you're holding something with emotion.

So I would say you don't control the first thought. You do control the second thought. I love this concept of, like, how do you, you know, kinda classify and and make a list of all of these times so that you can make that pivot. Love that tip, Brianna. The Power of Your Life podcast is powered by GoFund and Swimmin'. I could tell you stuff about it, or you could hear from some of our members. Here you go. GoBundance

has connected me with an amazing group of entrepreneurial women that I can learn from and support and grow together.

GoBundance gave me a boardroom of sisters who refused to let me settle. Your know, within the first two months of me being a member,

I enrolled someone to help them with their high ticket sales. I got double back my investment within the first, you know, sixty days of being a member. So it was it's incredible. You guys are just amazing, and there's always somebody to look up to in in, in GoBundance, so I love being a member.

That's why you owe it to yourself to check out Women. I wanna make a pivot here because you're also a a business owner. Right? And I I love this idea of I wrote down identity architect. Gosh. What a beautiful description. We see a lot of women that go from one line of work and make a big left hand turn or a pivot in their world Mandy then, you know, become something different. I personally was in medical device sales for a very long time and then became full time investor, and that identity shift has been huge. Talk to me about you and your identity shift and maybe, you know, some actionable items if I'm having trouble letting go of the old me to lean into the new entrepreneurial me.

Great question. So identity has so much to do with the unconscious mind. Right? So really quick, if you think about your body, everything from the neck up is our conscious Mandy. It's 10%. It's everything we know we know. It's our goal setter. We use it all day long, which means everything from the neck down is the unconscious mind, the other 90%. So it's the conscious is the goal setter. The unconscious is the goal getter. It's the operating system. It's the general. So when we have lived attached to an identity, whether that's, you know, corporate person, mom, wife, now we're an empty nester and now we're divorced and now we're not in that role anymore. Mandy, and there's that question of like, who are Your, who are you now outside of that? And what is it that you actually want between now and dead? And it's a hard question because a lot of women have no idea. They just spent the last decades in another business or taking care of everybody else's needs. And so when you're, when you're thinking about it, I like to think about this. As somebody, for me, I was in oncology. I was in real estate. I'd always been, in a space of helping women, but to go from that to this, you really have to step into trusting yourself and believing in yourself again. And, and this is one of the hardest parts because after we've had all these experiences and we're like, I don't know. I thought that was it. And look how that turned out. We don't trust ourselves. So we don't have that confidence of, yeah, I'm clear. This is exactly the right fricking thing to do. So being able to have things that help you, be able to not have to trust yourself. So here's, here's for me what I did. And here's what I do with my clients all the time around this space, around identity. You have to have clarity of what you actually want going into this new transition part of your life. And when you ask people what they want, whether it's in business or in relationships, they're like, yeah, I know what I want. You know, I want somebody who's nice and kind and loving, or I want, you know, business partner, who's honest and helpful Mandy it's like going to a restaurant and the service says, what do you guys want? What can I bring you? And we're thirsty and we want a salad to start Mandy some protein and the veggie Mandy they bring us an iced tea and a Caesar salad and a beautiful piece of chicken and some rosemary potatoes. And we got exactly what we ordered, except what we wanted was a glass of champagne and an arugula salad with figs and goat cheese Mandy a perfectly done piece of halibut and roasted asparagus Women. That level of specificity around what your values are for your business, what your non negotiables are and what your desires are is what gives you the ability to not have to trust yourself. And when, when we can get that specific Mandy that deep, you know, in a single conversation, if this is a good business decision, a good business partner, you don't have to go and live in the world of decision fatigue because you're stepping into a new identity that you haven't fully arrived at yet. And for like a visual practical, here's what I would say to you. Imagine you're standing in front of a bridge Mandy right now you're here. And the identity that you've been living is she's standing right behind you. And she has survived a lot and built a lot and grown a lot and, you know, super grateful for her. And I want you to imagine turning around and giving her a hug and thanking her. And then, you know, you're, you're holding hands and you know how somebody is walking away and you're just holding on and then you let go and they walk away. And I want you to imagine that's your old identity. Now, looking at this bridge, make it the most beautiful bridge you've ever seen for you on the other side is your next level identity. That's what you're stepping into. And you can't take the old one with you. You've got to walk over that bridge so that you get to own it and integrate it and embody and love and live and lead from this new identity.

Oh, that is such amazing, amazing wisdom there. So I wish we had more time, like, but we don't, But I just wanna highlight a few things that really stuck out for me. Number one, you know, thank you for for graciously sharing a strategy that you normally do with your your private. I'm I'm gonna take the time to do this a little bit later today. And it seems like even anybody around money, love, opportunity, whatever it is, this could really, really work for. So I have a suspicion that my wrist is gonna be a little red three days from now Women I'm like, why hasn't he texted me? I snap. You know? Yeah. Like, whatever that is. So, that was just super powerful. And then, of course, this identity work that you just shared is amazing. What about you, Mandy?

The the notes that I took, I I just I love the the title of identity architect first and foremost. But if if you are in process of building trust with yourself, first getting super specific on what it is that you want. Like, what an interesting concept. I I really Life that. Brianna, you've shared so much with us. You have served us and our audience so so greatly. We wanna serve you. What is an introduction or a resource that would change the ballgame for you Mandy what you're working on?

What a beautiful question. My introductions and and would that would change the game Your just getting to have more impact and getting to share this work with women who are ready for it. So I author, a subset called the last piece, because that's really what this is. Right. You've done all the other work. You're you have an incredible Life. It's this last piece. And so the other thing that I would love to say is Life I can give your listeners a gift, which is my gift to the world, it's called the extraordinary love index. And we lovingly call her the Ellie and the Ellie is not what Disney princess are Your? This is a diagnostic that I've spent the last few years building and refining. And it answers the question of what's actually standing between you and extraordinary love. And don't, don't have that scare you away. If you're married to the love of your life, it's not about someone else. It really it's about you. It's about self Life. It's about all in the ways in which you process Mandy all of the stuff that you've been through. It's 30 questions takes ten minutes. And then I send you a 10 page, what I call portrait or 10 pages of gold. That's going to give you so much insight to you that in a way that you've probably never received it. So take the Kelly literally take the ellie.com, eli Your at any of my socials. And that's my gift to the world. So everyone should take the Ellie.

I love it. We'll make sure we put that in the show notes for you as well. So what an amazing conversation here with Brianna Mandy just grateful that you've joined us on the Power Up Your Life podcast. If you are looking to take your life or thought leadership to the next level, head over to powerupyourlifenow.com. Tons of resources there for you And share the episode, give us a comment, and we look forward to seeing you on the next Power Up Your Life podcast.

Thanks for joining us today on the Power Up Your Life podcast. If you got value from today's episode, make sure that you like Mandy subscribe and send this episode to someone who needs to hear some wins like this. If you need to power up your business, head over to Power Up Your Life Now where you can see all of the resources that our team has to power up your business. We'll see you on the next episode.